The woman who was jealous of herself 6 Some advice from April, four phone calls, and a red Ferrari.

Some advice from April, four phone calls, and a red Ferrari.

James and Magdalena, as Alex and April, in the White Hart.

James:         Thank you for coming, April.  I didn't think you would after that hotel thing. Look, I’m in a mess, and I think you are the only person who can help me.  I need advice.

Magdalena: On your investments? Remember shares can plummet as well as rise!  I recommend…

James:         No, no!  Well, yes it is about an investment really, but a very long-term one.  You remember Magdalena? 

Magdalena:  Ah the la di da one with the books?  The one who keeps on turning up at the wrong moment?  The bean pole?

James:  Yes, that's her.  No, I mean she isn't a bean pole. You see, I'd like to know her better.

Magdalena:  Really?

James:  The question is ‘What do I do about her?’  You know about these things, April!  Just point me in the right direction!

Magdalena: In the right direction?

James:  Yes, where do I go from here, from where I am?

Magdalena: Well, where are you exactly?

James:         Well, I had a word with her father, and…

Magdalena: (Very surprised) With her father?

James:         Well, he had a word with me really.  He was very kind, he was only trying to help.

Magdalena: And what help did he give?

James:         He said I had to be more ‘bloody, bold and resolute!’

Magdalena: He said that?

James:         Well, not in those exact words!  But he told me I should be more courageous.  He said I should do something.  I should be more ‘proactive’, as the jargon is.

Magdalena: Is it?

James:         Oh, everyone has to be proactive these days. It’s a fashion, I suppose. Well, her father didn’t use that word exactly. But he said I should …er… take the bull by the horns.

Magdalena: Really?

James:         Yes, and that I had to grasp the nettle!

Magdalena: Yes, that sounds more like him! 

James:         But you don’t even know him!

Magdalena: No, of course I don’t. What I mean is that sounds like what the bean pole’s father would say.

James;         So I grasped the nettle, and what a nettle it turned out to be.

Magdalena: So what did you do?

James:         Well, I phoned Magdalena and I suggested a weekend in London, you know, a classy hotel, a musical on the Saturday evening, etc etc

Magdalena: That etc etc sounds ominous! And what did she say?

James:         She hung up! 

Magdalena: Of course she did!  A weekend in London! That’s no good! Anyone could have thought of that! That was exactly what you shouldn’t have done!

James:         So I put my foot I it! That’s it then!  First, she has seen me with you! Then I suggest a weekend in London!  One disaster after another! It’s all over before it started.

Magdalena: Don’t give up!  This isn’t taking the bull by the horns! This isn’t grasping the nettle!  I can see she still fancies you.  She’s just jealous of me!

James: There's not a chance of her fancying me!  If ever she agrees to see me again, it will just be because I serve as a bit of comic relief.  A change from more serious things!’

Magdalena: Then drop her.

James:         I can’t do that! I don’t want to do that!  There’s the rub!  So what do I do?

Magdalena: It’s back to basics then. Back to square one. Now let’s see. For a start, you must complement her on her beautiful eyes. 

James:  Her beautiful eyes?

Magdalena:  Yes, every woman has beautiful eyes! Didn't you know that?  Now, what colour are they?

James:         I don’t know!

Magdalena: You don’t know!  This is ridiculous! How can you fall for a woman when you don’t know the colour of her eyes? This is worse than I thought.  Anyway, they are green.

James:  You noticed that?  You’ve only seen her once and you noticed that?   

Magdalena: Of course I did. They are green.  Just like mine!

James: (Looking her in the eyes) Why, yes.  Your eyes are green too.  Well I never!

(He looks her steadily in the eyes.  Magdalena quickly looks down.)

Magdalena:  Anyway, back to the matter in hand.  What clothes does she wear?

James:         She has a lovely red dress.  It fits like a glove and the skirt has a swirl as she turns.  It’s a beautiful dress!  She looks like a top model when she wears it. A dream!

Magdalena: Did you tell her that?

James:         Of course I didn’t tell her that!  She’d have laughed at me.

Magdalena: Well, so much for the dress! And her jeans?

James:         Oh, I’ve no idea about her jeans! Men don’t care about jeans, you know. Did you ever hear a man who said, ‘I remember you that night in the restaurant.  You wore some jeans!’  But a dress that has some style, that’s another matter! A man never forgets that! Women should realise this!

Magdalena: Yes, I think they should!  You’re not as simple as you look!

James:         Thank you very much!

Magdalena: No, what I meant was that you have made a very interesting comment that I didn’t expect you to make.  That’s what I meant!

James:         Most women dress for themselves, not for men!  That’s where they go wrong!

Magdalena: And most men dress for themselves, not for women. 

James:         Most men just dress to be comfortable, but you’re probably right. This is not really my subject.

Magdalena: Tell me more about this Magdalena.  I can’t help you if I don’t tell me more!

James:         She just feels right!  It’s not just her voice, or what she says or how she looks, it’s everything. 

Magdalena: (Getting angrier and angrier) What on earth is the problem then?  Why don’t you just ask her out, for heaven’s sake?  You still haven’t invited Magdalena out for a really special evening!

James:         How do you know?

Magdalena: What I mean is that it seems to me that you haven’t asked her out yet.

James:         She’d just put me down with some clever comment or other! You see, I just feel so stupid when she’s nearby.  I’m longing to say something clever and something funny and I am tongue-tied.  In fact, I am not just tongue-tied, I’m brain-tied too! Sometimes I feel that she is just playing with me, just to amuse herself.  But then, I’m sure she wouldn’t do that!

Magdalena: (Quickly) No, no.  I don’t think she’d do that!

James:         No, of course not.  She’s too kind to do that. I don’t know why I mentioned it!  But what do I do, April?  What do I do?

Magdalena: You must find her weak point. You’re tall, well-built, and fairly good-looking.  You’re OK.  Just look her in the eyes!  Whatever colour they are! Stand up to her! Find out what she likes.  Find her weakness.  Pretend to be very rich. Some women fall for that! For some women it’s a man who can dance! Other women fall for a uniform. Think of poor Bathsheba Everdene! For some it’s a house in the country. Just find out what attracts her!

James:         Who’s Bathsheba? 

Magdalena: Oh, in ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’ Bathsheba Everdene married a worthless soldier.  She was taken in by the uniform!

James:         You've read ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’?  I wouldn’t have …

Magdalena: No, no.  I …er… saw the film recently. 

James:         Oh, I didn’t know it was on here. Which cinema was that?

Magdalena: No, I saw it online.  Anyway I have to go now, Alex.  And I don’t think we should meet again.  Given the way things have turned out.

James:         Ah, right.  Yes, of course.  Absolutely.  I’m very grateful, April.

Magdalena: Good luck with the bean pole. Find her weak point!  And just tell her that she looks good in that red dress!

James:         And the jeans?

Magdalena: Perhaps it's better not to mention the jeans!

James:         Thank you, April.  (Gives her a hug)

Magdalena: It’s as well your Magdalena never saw that!

James:         Yes, perhaps it is!  So what are you going to do now?

Magdalena: I’m going away.  I am not needed here anymore.  It’s the right time for me to do some traveling!  I may go to the north of Spain!  You never know!

James:         Well, enjoy it!  You deserve it!  You are a good person, April!  Honest and open!  No tricks!  No deceit!  You are exactly what you seem to be! That’s what I like about you! Goodbye!

He leaves.

Magdalena: Yes, it is certainly time for April to disappear!  For good! For everyone’s good!

Magdalena phones Ana.

Magdalena:      Come on, Ana.  Answer it!  Answer it!

Ana: Hi there.

Magdalena:   Good! Ana, listen. I have a cunning plan.  It’s the only way to sort all this out!

Ana:       Sort all what out?

Magdalena:      James and me of course.  April has disappeared, by the way. She’s gone. 

Ana:       Thank goodness for that!  Not before time, either! She will not be missed! 

Magdalena:  I will miss her!

Ana:  That doesn't matter.

Magdalena:  And Alex will miss her!

Ana: Alex doesn't matter either. So what now?

Magdalena: Can you phone Henry and ask him to give a message to James.

Ana:       A message from you?

Magdalena: A message from me, yes, but James must never know that!  He must think it’s all Henry’s idea.

Ana:       I’ll do what I can.  So what is this message from you that is Henry’s idea?

Magdalena:      Well, James must hire a car, an impressive car, and ask me out to a restaurant, a very good restaurant, in Bristol.  OK? Then when he does that, I will so impressed by the car and the restaurant and the meal that I will be very happy, and James will be very happy and that’s it!  James will have done something original.

Ana: Something original that was your idea!

Magdalena: That was my idea. All misunderstandings will be resolved! All done and dusted!

Ana:       I always have misgivings about your cunning plans!  But I’ll do my best!

Magdalena:      OK.  Phone Henry!  Now please, Ana!

Ana:       As I say, I’ll do my best!  And, as I also said, I have misgivings! Bye!

Ana phones Henry.  

Ana:       Come on, answer it Henry!  Where are you? Ah good. Henry, I’ve just had an idea. It’s to help out Magdalena and James.

Henry:    Best not to interfere, Ana.  Very tricky!

Ana:       Well, they are not getting anywhere by themselves. They need a push, a gentle push. Look, it’s very simple. Just phone James and ask him to take Magdalena out.

Henry:    Take her out?

Ana:       Yes, he must hire a really good car, a Jaguar.  Then he must take her to the Bristol Hotel on the waterfront for a meal.  You know, something special!

Henry:    It may work!

Ana:       And this is your idea, not mine!

Henry:    My idea!

Ana:       Yes, he must never know that it has come from me!  And he’ll listen to you. So phone James.  Now, please, Henry! 

Henry:  OK.  OK.  Bye.

Ana:  Bye. (She puts down her mobile.) Right!  I have done my best.  A woman can do no more!

Henry phones James.

   

Henry:    Come on, answer it, James!  Where are you?  Ah good.  James, I’ve had an idea.

James:    You have?

Henry:    Yes.  I have the answer, the key, the solution.  All your troubles are over! You have to make a direct advance. 

James:    An advance on what?

Henry:    On who, you mean.  On Magdalena.  All you have to do is hire a Ferrari, a red Ferrari is best, and invite her out to the best hotel in Bristol for a dinner she’ll never forget!

James:    Just that!  A Ferrari and a dinner!  That sounds like an expensive answer or key or solution or whatever.

Henry:    Trust me, James. This is the way forward.  I have never let you down yet, have I?

James:    Well, there have been one or two…

Henry:    But trust me on this.  You have to make the most of yourself!   Now, if you had a Ferrari, a red Ferrari, you could sweep girls off their feet.

James:    I don’t know whether I want to sweep girls off their feet.

Henry:    Well, you will sweep Magdalena off her feet!

James:    I’m not sure you’re putting it the right way. All this sweeping! And feet! Anyway, I’ll think about it!

Henry:    That’s just it!  Don’t think!  Thinking gets you nowhere! 'the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought' Macbeth is it?

James:  No, I think it's Hamlet but I'm not sure.  Magdalena would know.

Henry:  Well that doesn't matter.  Beg, borrow or steal a Ferrari and ask Magdalena out.  ‘Faint heart never won...

James:  I know. I know.

Henry:  So just do it! Next Saturday. Now, you’ve got a couple of days so you can improve on the plan.  Elaborate it a bit and then Saturday is D-Day.

James:    Well…

Henry:    No wells, no buts.  Upwards and onwards! You owe me one! When all this succeeds, you know who to thank!

James:    And if it fails, I’ll know who to blame!

Henry:    On Saturday, then.  And don’t let me down!

James:    OK, I’ll do it! Saturday, did you say?

Henry:    Yes, Saturday.

James:    This Saturday?

Henry:    This Saturday.

James:    OK.  It’s on. Operation Ferrari. Bye.

Henry:    Phone me on Sunday!  Bye.

Early Sunday morning. Magdalena phones Ana.

Ana:  Do you know what time it is?  It's Sunday morning, my only day for a lie-in!  You can't...

Magdalena:     (Excitedly) Listen!  It happened, Ana!

Ana:       What happened?

Magdalena:      He turned up in a very nice car and we had a pleasant meal.

Ana: In a posh Bristol restaurant?

Magdalena:      Well, not exactly.  Things never work out quite as you plan them, do they!  For a start, it wasn’t James who picked me up in the car.  It was Alex!

Ana:       Alex?

Magdalena:      I had just finished my last lecture and was coming out of the faculty building, loaded with books, and then it started to rain. I was thinking about a taxi, and you know how it is when it’s raining, it’s impossible to find one. 

Ana:  Can you get to the point?

Magdalena: Anyway I was thinking about a taxi when this red Ferrari stopped by me, and James leaned over and asked me to get in. Well, it took me a nanosecond second to see that it was James. He wore dark glasses nearly all the time we were together, and wore his Alex gear, and talked like Alex, but there we are.  You can’t have everything.

Ana:       And?

Magdalena: The car wasn’t just a nice car, it was a red Ferrari!  It must have cost him half a month’s salary, even just for a day! 

Ana:       And are you worth half a month’s salary, just for a day? And the meal?

Magdalena:      And the meal.  I couldn’t let him spend the other half of his salary on the meal so I insisted on buying some sandwiches and a couple of cans of Thatcher’s cider.

Ana:       Not quite the posh meal I had in mind.

Magdalena:      No, it was much better than that! Anyway, as I was saying, I got in, sat back in the seat, closed my eyes, and it was great! The car was warm. The seat was cushioned like an armchair! It felt so good! And to think that a minute before I had been struggling with my books, the wind and the rain in Park Street!  Then we cruised down the M5 to Clevedon and parked on the sea front, you remember the place, above the stony beach and looking across the Channel to Wales.  Then we walked to the end of the pier in that Bristol Channel breeze, you know how that is, the wind from the sea that wakes you up at the time and then makes you sleepy afterwards, and then we went back along the sea front and up that path with the old church on one side and the cliff and the sea on the other. It’s called Poets’ Walk, I think.  Some connection with Coleridge or someone.  Near the church we sat on a bench and had our sandwiches and cider.  Nothing I ever had before has tasted better. And together we looked across the wind-swept sea to the hills of Wales cloaked in the distant mist.  Nothing I ever saw before has looked prettier!  Never before have I ...

Ana:       Sorry.  I stopped listening when you were at the end of the pier! Now, never mind all the poetry.  What did you do next?

Magdalena:      We went back to his Ferrari, a red Ferrari...

Ana:  Forget the colour. 

Magdalena:  And I snuggled down in the cushioned seat and then we drove back to Bristol and he took me home.  My father was at the door.

Ana:       Your father?  He saw you with James as Alex?

Magdalena:  Yes, but he never notices anything so don’t worry about him.  So, a very successful day, wasn’t it!  

Ana:       Well, not really. You have had a windy walk by the sea with James who was pretending to be someone else.

Magdalena:      Pretending? Oh, that’s a mere detail!  We’ll sort that out!  You worry about things too much!

Ana:       And you don’t worry about things enough!  

Magdalena:      It will all be fine!  I have never let you down yet, have I?

Ana:  Well, there have been one or...

Magdalena:  Come on!  Trust me! Bye!