The woman who was jealous of herself 4 Friday evening in Falsetto's

Thursday evening.  James’ flat

Henry is sitting on a long white leather sofa.  James hands him a beer.

Henry:         What’s this? 

James:         It’s San Miguel.  Go on! It won’t hurt you!  You may even like it!  Anyway.  I have news!

Henry:         (bored) Good or bad?

James:         Good, I think.  Yes.  Very good, in fact.  My love life, which has been, admittedly, a little erratic at times, has taken a turn for the better.  I have met a fantastic woman!

Henry:         A fantastic woman?  That sounds ominous!  And what’s her name?  This fantastic woman.

James:         It’s April. 

Henry:         It’s what?

James:         April!  It’s April, just like the month! You’ve heard of April, haven’t you? 

Henry:         Yes, and I’ve heard of December too.  Thank goodness she isn’t called December.  Just imagine, ‘I’d like you to meet December, December Smith, my intended!’ You say you;ve met her?  

James:        (Proudly) Oh yes.  (Hesitantly)Well, I have met her online

Henry:       You have what?  Online!  Look, James, this sort of thing, this dating on line, is so dangerous.  You go on chatting night after night, all very easy, all very cosy, a lovely relationship, but it’s false!  It’s the house that is built on sand, James!  Steer well clear of it.

James:         But we are not going to go on and on chatting.

Henry:         What do you mean?

James:         We’re going to meet up.  Tomorrow!        

Henry:         Really James.  Now you’re rushing things!  Anyway, she probably won’t turn up.  You’ll be left sitting like an idiot on your own at the table! She’s probably some elderly lady who just wants company. 

James:         She can’t be!  She has sent me her photo. She is not elderly! She’s young and she has blonde hair.  She looks fantastic. 

H:      Fantastic.  Yes, that’s what you said before.   She’ll be well into middle age, whatever that means today, and when you see her she’ll say she uploaded a photo of her daughter by mistake.

J:       Then I’ll say I want to meet her daughter! 

H:      You obviously don’t know the reaction of a woman on a date when you say you want to meet her daughter! Well, you go, but on our own head be it! Where are you meeting her?

James:         Oh one of those new places on Welsh Back down by the waterfront.   Soprano’s, it’s called.

Henry:         Falsetto’s, you mean. 

James:         That’s it!  I knew it was something to do with singing.

Henry:         Well, I’ll have my mobile with me.  If things turn difficult, give me a call.  I don’t like it one bit!

James:         You’re just jealous! It’ll be a turning point in my life.  Just you wait and see.

  

Friday evening.  In Falsetto’s. 

Magdalena goes in, dressed normally, and sees James already sitting at a table.  James then sees her and buries his head in the menu. He is sitting there, with his head on the table and the menu hiding it, as Magdalena comes up.

Magdalena: James! What a pleasant surprise! I never thought I’d be meeting you tonight!

James:         Ah.  Hello Magdalena.  How are you?

Magdalena: Oh I feel good tonight!  I am ready for anything! Are you eating alone?

James:         Er no.  I’m waiting for someone, you see.  They’ll be along soon, I expect.

Magdalena: They?  Are there two of them?

James:         Er no.  I meant ‘she’.  She’ll be along soon. I expect.

Magdalena: I see.  Well, I’m sure she won’t come while I’m here.  So I’ll go then.

James:         (He stands and shuffles his feet self-consciously).  Yes.  Right.  Very nice to have met you.

Magdalena: Yes, it was!  Well, I’ll see you sometime.  Sometime soon!  Goodbye!

Magdalena goes to the restaurant toilet, and, Mrs Doubtfire style, does a rapid change and soon emerges as April with wavy blonde hair, tight, scarlet T-shirt, green mini-skirt, long blue socks and purple trainers.

James:         Well, I hate to admit it, it looks as though Henry was right. She’s not coming.  I’d better go.  You can’t win them all.

Magdalena enters as April and, seeing her, James prepares to be Alex.  He stands and welcomes her.

Magdalena:    Alex?

James:           That’s me!  Great to see you!  I was getting a bit worried!

Magdalena:    I had trouble parking, but now I’m here!  You recognized me?

James:           Of course I recognized you!  The prettiest girl in the restaurant!  It was easy!

Magdalena:   I have a feeling that we’re going to get along!

James:           I’m sure of it!  Now to important things!  What are you drinking?

Magdalena:   I’ll start with a gin and tonic, and then I’ll continue with gin and tonic!

James:           Well, that’s decisive.  You know your own mind!

Magdalena:   Oh yes, I think you’ll find that I know my own mind!

James:           (Calling the waiter) A gin and tonic and a pint of Guinness, please.

Henry, with his mobile in his hand, is patrolling the street outside Falsetto’s in case he is needed. Ana arrives.  

Ana:            Henry!  What on earth are you doing here?

Henry:        (Looking guilty) Oh, hello Ana.  What a pleasant surprise!  Small world, isn’t it!

Ana:            What on earth are you doing here?

Henry:        Well I was doing some work at home and…I came out for some air.

Ana:            And?

Henry:        And a beer and a meal and …so on.  What about you?

Ana:            Oh somebody told me about this place and I thought I’d try it out.

Henry:        Ah, right.  Shall we go in together then?

Ana:            In here?  In this restaurant?

Henry:        Yes, in here.  You wanted to try it out, didn’t you?

Ana:            Oh yes.  Right let’s go in.

Ana and Henry enter the restaurant together.  The waiter takes them past the table where James and Magdalena are sitting.  Henry looks apologetically at James as does Ana at Magdalena. They are taken to a table some way from James and Magdalena, but they can still see them.

Ana:            That was James, wasn’t it!

Henry:        I think it might have been.  A distinct resemblance anyway.

Ana:            It was him.  And who is that woman? 

Henry:        The one with the yellow hair?

Ana:            Yes, the one with the yellow hair, and the green miniskirt. They seemed to be having a very good time.

Henry:        I’ve no idea.  Never seen her before in my life.  Probably a colleague from work.  Another engineer.   Probably talking about work, you know.

Ana:            Ah yes. Very likely. (Looking at James and Magdalena)  They seem to be getting on very well.  For work colleagues, I mean.

Henry:        Ah yes.  Apparently there’s a very good atmosphere in the office.

Ana:            (Sees James take Magdalena’s hand). Yes, a very good atmosphere!

James and Magdalena are getting on very well indeed, though from time to time James looks over his shoulder.

Magdalena: Why do you keep looking around? It’s almost as if you are afraid to see someone, or that someone might see you!  Someone you know! How ridiculous!

James:         Well, yes.  It is ridiculous, but before you came I met someone I knew, and I have a feeling that she might appear again.  It’s a sort of premonition! 

Magdalena: Don’t be silly.  If she was here, she’d come and talk to you, just like I’m doing.  But you’re with me so forget all about her!  If you’re so afraid of her, she must be very heavy-going!

James:         No, she’s fine. She really is.  But I just hope she doesn’t turn up again.

Magdalena: She won’t!  Not as long as I’m here!

James:         No, I suppose not.  But just to be sure, why don’t we move on to the White Hart after the meal here.  It’s not far away.  A great place for a drink.

   

Saturday.   Magdalena has gone to James’s flat to return the DVD.

James:         Ah, come in. (Looking at her).  You needn’t have come all this way just to return ‘Julius Caesar’.  But you’re not your usual self.  You look….angry.

Magdalena: Yesterday I saw you with a girl, a very silly-looking girl wearing a top two sizes too small for her and a short green skirt.  Terrible taste. Looked like an advertisement for a rainbow! And she had horrible yellow hair.  It looked like a mop!

James:         It did not.  It was very attractive!

Magdalena: Ah, so you WERE out with this girl then? The one with ghastly yellow hair.  Mop or no mop!

James:         Well, we might have had a quick drink.  Perhaps. Her name is April.

Magdalena: Yes, you went to the White Hart, and it wasn’t all that quick!

James:         You followed us!

Magdalena: I promise you that I did not.

James:         You must have. You seem to know so much about it all.

Magdalena: I did not follow you, James.  I promise. Anyway, it’s not hard to guess what sort of an evening you had with a girl like that!  Ha!  Sparkling conversation, was it?

James:         (Drawing himself up) We discussed several matters, yes.  I do believe you’re jealous.

Magdalena: Jealous of a floor mop in a miniskirt.  Really!

James:         You ARE jealous!

Magdalena: What’s the floor mop’s name then? What was it you said?  June, July? 

James:         Her name, if you must know, is April.

Magdalena: I knew it was something calendarish!  And her surname?

James:         I do not know.

Magdalena: But I do.  It must be Showers. April Showers!

James:         Really Magdalena.  This isn’t fair.  For one thing, she isn’t here to defend herself.

Magdalena:           No, I suppose she isn’t! April Showers!  You’d better take an umbrella on your next date with her!

James:         Very amusing!  And I can see you are jealous. Beware the green –eyed monster!

Magdalena: Jealous! Don’t be ridiculous!

James:         Let’s change the subject.  How is your work going?

Magdalena: Well, I’m teaching a very interesting play.  It was written by Tirso de Molina!  It’s called ‘La celosa de si misma’.

James:         La what?

Magdalena: La celosa.   

James:         La celosa!  It sounds like a dessert!  One with plenty of sugar and cream.  I’ll have a celosa please and a coffee!

Magdalena: You can laugh, but you should read it!  You might learn something from it. James:         And what does this 'La Celosa' thingy mean?

Magdalena: ‘La celosa de si misma’?  It means ‘The woman who was jealous of herself'. It's set in Madrid in 1627.  You should read it!

James:         I haven’t got time to read your Spanish plays!

Magdalena: A pity!  A great pity!  You should make time for them. Anyway, I’ll send you a link!  (Thinking again) To the English translation!  (Thinking more) To a summary of the English translation!  It’s by Tirso de Molina, and Tirso knew a great deal about men.  And about women too, I have to admit!  Read it! You could learn something to your advantage, as the solicitors say. I’ll send you the link!

James:         La celosa!  Ha!

Magdalena: You should go to Almazan.  Have a change of air.  Leave Bristol for a week and fill your lungs with the cold air of the north of Spain.

James:         Al who?

Magdalena: Almazan.  That’s where Tirso de Molina lived and worked the last few years of his life. Almazan!  The finest town square in the whole of northern Castille. A palace on one side and a gem of a church on the other.  And if you’re homesick, there is a little of England in the church, San Miguel.

James:         I thought San Miguel was a beer.

Magdalena: Very amusing.  In the church there is a stone carving of St Thomas a Becket.  So strange to find a little of England in a church in the north of Castille. Anyway, opposite the church next to the Palace is a hotel and bar.  

James:  Where they serve San Miguel.

Magdalena:  Well, yes they do, but that's not the point. The bar is called Tirso de Molina too. Have a coffee there, in the window seat if it’s not taken, and it’s always the first to go.  It overlooks the whole square. Anyway, take the window seat and look at the people of Almazan as they go about their business. And on the wall behind you is a large portrait of Tirso.  It’s a copy of a 17th century painting but someone has painted in a coffee cup in his hand. I will go there for my honeymoon.

James:         That supposes two things. Firstly, you will find someone prepared to marry you, and secondly that this poor man will agree to go to Almazan for the honeymoon.  The first will be the more difficult than the second!

Magdalena: Thank you!  In fact, I already have someone who will marry me, though he doesn’t know it yet.  And then he will take me to Almazan!  You’ll see!

James:         Oh don’t bring me into it! I wish you well.  And I wish him well, poor man!  He will need endless patience.

Magdalena:           We’ll see!  We’ll see! Time will tell! “And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges!”

James:         ‘Julius Caesar’?

Magdalena: ‘Twelfth Night’!  Act…

James:         (Raising his hand) Spare me the act and the scene.  And we will see about the whirligig of time!

Magdalena: Yes, we will!   

James:  He who laughs last...

Magdalena:  ...laughs longest!  Thanks for the DVD. Goodbye James!