The woman who was jealous of herself 7

In The White Hart.

James and Magdalena have left Falsetto's and are now drinking at a secluded table in the lounge bar of The White Hart.  It is nine o’clock in the evening. 

James:         Now we can relax a little.  Just take it easy with a pint of Guinness. No problems.

“A jug of wine, a loaf of bread – and thou

Beside me singing in the wilderness,

Oh, wilderness were paradise enow”

Magdalena: No, I don’t think I’ll go for a jug of wine!   I’ll stick to gin and tonic. This is only my third tonight. But first I must go to the ladies.  Too much tonic, you know!

She leaves.

Henry rushes in.

James:         So much for relaxation!

Henry:        It’s OK. Just your guardian angel checking in. Look, I’ve just seen Magdalena’s car outside.  She’s around here. I’m sure she is.

James:         Rubbish.  She would never be following me around.  I’m out of luck there Henry.  She wouldn’t bother with me.  And if she did come in, it would be rather awkward as right now I’m with April, you see.

Magdalena: 

(She comes back as Magdalena and is carrying several books.) Ah, James and Henry! What a lovely surprise. You’re just having a drink together, are you?

Henry:        Er, yes. We come in here every week … for a drink...together.

Magdalena: How nice. Well, I can’t stay.  Have to dash off.  I have my drama class to go to. I love acting but I’m not very good at it. (She gives James a kiss, and also a copy of a book.)

Here, this is for you.  It’s that Spanish play I mentioned!  In translation. Read it!  And don’t take too long over it! I need it back soon.

(She nods to Henry and leaves.)

Henry.  I’ll follow her. Something mysterious is going on here!  I’ve always rather fancied myself as a detective. I’ll be Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe and Maigret, all rolled into one. Must go! Bye.

Henry rushes off in the wrong direction and then looks back at James, who points towards the door Magdalena went out of.

James:         Now perhaps I can have a drink. (Raises his glass to this lips.) 

Magdalena comes back as April, looking furious.

James:         (Seeing her approach) There’s many a slip…

Magdalena: Who is that you were with?

James:         Er,  that was my friend Henry!

Magdalena: No, that woman! The one with books and glasses and all la di da!  The thin one!  The bean pole!

James:         Now, wait a minute, April. She is not all la di da!

Magdalena: But she is a bean pole.

James:         I did not say that.

Magdalena: But you kissed her.  I saw you.

James:         No, she kissed me, and there is a world of difference! (To himself) She kissed me?

Magdalena: You’ve ruined my evening!

James:         Look April. I bought this for you.  Here you are. (He gives her a box, which she opens. Inside is a necklace.)

Magdalena: Ah, lovely.  The evening has suddenly taken a turn for the better! Here’s to us!

They drink, and drink, until both, having drunk far too much, leave the White Hart and, after crossing Queens Square, stop outside a hotel.

James:         (Singing)

I’m tired and I want to go home,

I’m tired and I want to go to bed.

I had a little drink about an hour ago

And it went straight to my head.

Magdalena: Well, if you’re tired and you want to go to bed, there’s a bed here.

James:         (Looking round)  There’s a what?

Magdalena:  This is a hotel, and we can get a room with a big comfortable bed.

James:         A what?

Magdalena: (Slowly and patiently.) This is a hotel.  In the hotel there are rooms.  And in each room there is a bed.

James:         Each room has a bed?

Magdalena:           Yes, each room has a bed, and we can have one room with one bed!         

James:         One bed.  (He looks at her) I cannot.  (Slurring each word) I have a headache. Not tonight, Josephine! A headache and …

M:     And…?

James:         (He sings)  

Everywhere I roam,
Over land or sea or foam,
You can always hear me singing this song,
So show me the way to go home.

 And… there is someone else. (He slurs the ‘s’ in ‘someone’)

M:     (She too slurs the ‘s’) Someone else?  (Then she corrects herself) Someone else?   Not the bean pole, the books and glasses?  The la di da?

J:       She is not la di da.  And there we are.  (With an effort at some dignity) Now we will make our way, we will make our ways, our separate ways, home.  Good night, Josephine!

Magdalena: (Shouting after him)  April!

James:         Of course!  Good night, April!

(He goes, rather unsteadily.)

Magdalena: Well, at least I have a necklace!  And tomorrow morning I will also have a hangover!  Is it worth it I ask myself! Is it all worth it?

Magdalena at home, later that night.  She phones Ana.

Magdalena: Hi Ana.  I have had quite an evening.

Ana:  Do you know what time it is?  And we have to be at work in the morning!

Magdalena: Never mind the time!  Listen! I offered James a night in a hotel and he refused!  It’s infuriating! Did you hear me?

Ana:  Yes, I heard you.

Magdalena: Just think! Refused! Put down! Ignored! Cast away!

Ana: All right, I got it the first time.

Magdalena: No puede ser!  No puede ser!

Ana:  Could you stick to English, please!

Magdalena: When I’m boiling over, then I go into Spanish!  It’s a very appropriate language for boiling over in!  And I’m boiling over now!

Ana:  Anyway, two questions!  Who proposed the night in a hotel, April or Magdalena?

Magdalena: April, of course.  Magdalena wouldn’t have done that!

Ana:  Perhaps she should!

Magdalena: I’ll ignore that for now. And the second question?

Ana:  You wouldn’t have spent the night with him, would you?

Magdalena: Of course not, that wouldn’t have been fair to me. I mean to Magdalena, to me! I wouldn’t supplant myself.  But I wanted to be the one to say no.  What an evening! First he said he had a headache.  What an insult! Just think!  A man getting out of it saying he has a headache!  Ridiculous! Gender neutral language is OK up to a point but this is taking it too far. There I was offering to go to bed with him, and he says he has a headache!  What an insult! Then he said there was someone else.

Ana:  Perhaps he was being faithful to you. I mean your other you, to Magdalena.

Magdalena: I think he was!  Shall I give him the benefit of the doubt?

Ana:  Yes, do!  Then we can both get some sleep!

Magdalena: She’s hung up!

(She sings happily)

I’m tired and I want to go home,

I’m tired and I want to go to bed.

I had a little drink about an hour ago

And it went straight to my head.

I’m tired and I want to go home,

I’m tired and I want to go to bed.