The woman who was jealous of herself. 3 James’s computer, April and Friday evening in Falsetto’s.

James’s computer, April and Friday evening in Falsetto’s.

Wednesday evening.  James’ flat in Clifton. James is nervously pacing up and down the dining room and looks worriedly from time to time at the front door.  He is holding the DVD in his hand. Finally the doorbell rings.

James:         Now keep calm, keep calm.  That’ll be her!  Two deep breaths!   No, better take three.   Now concentrate, James, concentrate!

(He goes towards the door and with a final burst of courage, steps resolutely forward and opens it.)

Ah, Magdalena, how lovely!  Very good of you to come. Difficult to park, was it?

Magdalena:           No, I parked right outside your front door!  No problem at all.  It was so good of you to ask me over here.

James:         Yes, well.  Here is the DVD.  (He hands it to her, and moves towards the front door)

Magdalena: Thank you so much!  (Walking into the room.) I’m dying for a cup of tea.  I haven’t stopped all day. 

James:         Tea!  Dying!  Oh yes, I’ll go and make you some!  Yes, that’s what I’ll do.  I won’t be a minute!  Make yourself at home!

James goes into the kitchen.  Magdalena sees his computer which is on the table. She touches the screen and a page of chat appears. She quickly checks that James is busy in the kitchen and starts to read.

Magdalena: Wow!  It’s one of those getting to know you chatrooms.  Who’s in it?  Alex.  Alex?  That must be James!  He is Alex!

(She quickly finds her mobile and takes a photo of the screen.)  

Right, that’s all I need. And everything is fair in love and war!

Magdalena puts away her mobile and stands in front of the computer screen as James comes in with two mugs of tea. 

James:         Would you like ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ or ‘Hey Jude’?

Magdalena: Pardon? ‘A Hard Day’s Night’?

James:         Yes.  These are Beatles mugs, you see. I have the whole set.

Magdalena: Right. In that case I’ll have ‘A Hard Day’s Night’.  Much more interesting!

James checks which is which and hands her the mug of tea. As he walks around the room she moves to hide the computer, which is still on.

James:         Here you are.

Magdalena: Thank you Al.., I mean, thank you James.

James:         Pardon.  Oh, that’s alright! Do you take sugar?

Magdalena: No thanks, never.

James:         But you took sugar in Starbucks.

Magdalena: That was in coffee. And it was in the morning.

James:         And this is tea and it is in the evening.

Magdalena: Which is different.

James:         Oh yes, absolutely.  All the difference in the world!  No comparison at all!  Chalk and cheese!  Where was I?

Magdalena: I think you were just about to drink your tea.

James:         Ah yes. (He takes a long sip, looking at Magdalena over the rim of the cup.)

Magdalena: (Looking round the room.)  It’s good to see people in their natural habitat, isn’t it!  This isn’t bad at all!  Quite surprising!

James:         I can’t claim any merit for it.  I just arrived last week, walked in and it was like this.  It was already furnished!  Splendid view too.  You can see the towers of the Suspension Bridge.

As James walks towards the window to show her the view, Magdalena closes the computer quickly.

Magdalena: It's a very beautiful bridge!  I'd like to walk over it.  Wouldn't you?

James:  But you can see it much better from here, you know.  Distance lends it perspective.  Much better from here.

Magdalena:  But I would like to walk across it and look down at the river so far beneath.  

James: (Worriedly)  Would you?

Magdalena:  Yes, I would.  But I am afraid to go on my own.

James:  You!  Afraid!  I mean, yes, it is very high.  (Reluctantly) Would you like me to go with you?

Magdalena: Oh, lovely!  What a surprise!  It would never have occurred to me to ask you!  Next week?  Sunday? At 3 in the afternoon?

James:  Well, yes.

Magdalena:  Good. That's it then. Right.  I must go.  A very pleasant cup of tea, James.  Now, I must get on my computer.  I have a lot to do.  I have a ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ ahead of me!

James:         Ah work, is it?

Magdalena: Well, you could call it that.  Goodbye!

James:         Goodbye. 

Thursday evening.  Magdalena’s house. 

  

Magdalena: Ana, I have loads to tell you.  You just won’t believe it!

Ana:  Try me!

Magdalena: I am April now!

Ana:  Say that again.

Magdalena: That’s what I’m called. The name I’m going by! My alias!

Ana:  Your what?

Magdalena: I am in one of these online chats, and there my name is April, and I’ve been carrying on a flirtation with someone called Alex.  In the chat!

Ana:  You’ve been doing what?

Magdalena: Getting on very well with Alex, who is, by the way, a great chatter.  And who is this Alex? I hear you ask.

Ana:  No, you don’t, but do go on.  I can see you are desperate to tell me!

Magdalena: It’s James!

Ana:  It can’t be!  James?  Anyway, how do you know it’s James if you all have (pauses, and then slowly) “aliases”?

Magdalena: I looked at his computer.

Ana: What?

Magdalena: Yesterday evening when I went to pick up the DVD.  Well, he went off to make some tea, and I happened to see his computer on and I just happened to see the chat, and he was Alex.

Ana:  How could you stoop so low!  Nobody should look at anyone else’s computer. It’s like no man should ever look in a woman’s handbag.  It’s just not done!

Magdalena: Sometimes it has to be done.  All is fair in love and war!

Ana:  Yes, I keep hearing that, and the more I hear it, the less convinced I am that it’s true.  If James ever looks in your handbag, which I am sure he won't, don't come running to me! 

Magdalena:  He would never do that!

Ana:  No, he wouldn't because he is a nice person! Much nicer than ...!

Magdalena:   ...me?

Ana:   … than some people I know . But if the cap fits... Anyway, you and Alex are getting on very well, are you?  Virtually, I mean.

Magdalena: Yes, but it’s more than virtual.  I have persuaded him to meet me tomorrow evening. We have a date. 

Ana:  But he’ll recognise you straightaway!

Magdalena: In my long blonde wig? (She produces a large travelling bag and takes out an enormous blonde wig, which she puts on)

Ana:  No!

Magdalena: Yes! And my scarlet T shirt!  (Ana shakes her head as Magdalena takes the clothes from the bag, one by one.) My tight scarlet T shirt! (She holds it up.)

Ana:  Your what?

Magdalena: And my green mini-skirt! With long blue socks and purple trainers!   

Ana:  Is that all?

Magdalena:   Yes, that's all.  (Worried) Is it enough?

Ana:  It’s far too much!  Anyway, he'll never recognize you!  I would never recognize you! 

You must send me a selfie!

Magdalena:  Anyway, he has never really looked at me all the times we’ve been together. Even if I dressed normally, he wouldn't recognize me! And that’s annoying!  And even if he does find out it is me, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Ana:  It would give him a terrible shock.

Magdalena: That’s just what he needs!

Ana:  Well, I still don’t think it’s a good idea.  Where are you going to meet him?

Magdalena: At that new place in Welsh Back by the river.  Falsetto’s, it’s called.

Ana:  Good luck then, but you’re playing with fire.

Magdalena:  I hope so!  We'll see what happens next!

Thursday evening.  James’ flat

Henry is sitting on a long white leather sofa.  James hands him a beer.

Henry:         What’s this? 

James:         It’s San Miguel.  It’s a Spanish beer.  Go on! It won’t hurt you!  You may even like it!  Anyway.  I have news!

Henry:         (bored) Good or bad?

James:         Good, I think.  Yes.  Very good, in fact.  My love life, which has been, admittedly, a little erratic at times, has taken a turn for the better.  I have met a fantastic woman!

Henry:         A fantastic woman?  That sounds ominous!  And what’s her name?  This fantastic woman.

James:         It’s April. 

Henry:         It’s what?

James:         April!  It’s April, just like the month! You’ve heard of April, haven’t you?  

Henry:         Yes, and I’ve heard of December too.  Thank goodness she isn’t called December.  Just imagine, ‘I’d like you to meet December, December Smith, my intended!’ You say you’ve met her?  

James:        (Proudly) Oh yes.  (Hesitantly)Well, I have met her online

Henry:       You have what?  Online!  Look, James, this sort of thing, this dating on line, is so dangerous.  You go on chatting night after night, all very easy, all very cosy, a lovely relationship, but it’s false!  It’s the house that is built on sand, James!  Steer well clear of it! Don’t touch it with a barge pole!

James:         But we are not going to go on and on chatting.

Henry:         What do you mean?

James:         We’re going to meet up.  Tomorrow!        

Henry:         Really James.  Now you’re rushing things!  Anyway, she probably won’t turn up.  You’ll be left sitting like an idiot on your own at a table for two! That’s one of the worst things that can happen to anyone!  This April is probably some elderly lady with grey hair and a walking stick who just wants company.

James:         Elderly ladies with grey hair and walking sticks do not join chats!

Henry:        You’d be surprised! 

James:         Anyway, April has sent me her photo. She is not elderly! She’s young and she has blonde hair.  She looks fantastic. 

Henry:      Fantastic.  Yes, that’s what you said before.   She’ll be well into middle age, whatever that means today, and when you meet her, she’ll say she uploaded a photo of her daughter by mistake.

James:       Then I’ll say I want to meet her daughter! 

Henry:      You obviously don’t know the reaction of a woman on a date when you say you want to meet her daughter! Well, you go, but on our own head be it! Where are you meeting her?

James:         Oh, one of those new places on Welsh Back down by the waterfront.   Soprano’s, it’s called.

Henry:         Falsetto’s, you mean. 

James:         That’s it!  I knew it was something to do with singing.

Henry:         Well, I’ll have my mobile with me.  If things turn difficult, give me a call.  I don’t like it one bit!

James:         You’re just jealous! It’ll be a turning point in my life.  Just you wait and see.

  

Friday evening.  In Falsetto’s. 

Magdalena goes in, dressed normally, and sees James already sitting at a table.  James sees her and buries hides behind the large menu. He is sitting there, with the menu in front of him, as Magdalena comes up.

Magdalena: James! What a pleasant surprise! I never thought I’d be meeting you tonight!

James:         Ah.  Hello Magdalena.  How are you?

Magdalena: Oh I feel good tonight!  I am ready for anything! Are you eating alone?

James:         Er no.  I’m waiting for someone, you see.  They’ll be along soon, I expect.

Magdalena: They?  Are there two of them?

James:         Er no.  I mean ‘she’.  She’ll be along soon. I expect.

Magdalena: I see.  Well, I’m sure she won’t come while I’m here.  So I’ll go then and leave you in peace.

James:         (He stands and shuffles his feet self-consciously).  Yes.  Right.  Very nice to have seen you.

Magdalena: Yes, it was!  Have a nice evening!  Well, we’ll meet again sometime.  Sometime soon!  Goodbye!

Magdalena goes to the restaurant toilet, and, like Robin Williams as Mrs Doubtfire, does a rapid change and soon emerges as April with wavy blonde hair, tight, scarlet T-shirt, green mini-skirt, long blue socks and purple trainers.

James:         (To himself) Well, I hate to admit it, but it looks as though Henry was right. She’s not coming.  No one is coming.  Not even an old lady with a walking stick!  I’d better go.  You can’t win them all.

He gets up and prepares to leave when Magdalena enters as April.  James stands and welcomes her.

Magdalena:    Alex?

James:           That’s me!  Great to see you!  I was getting a bit worried!

Magdalena:    I had trouble parking, but now I’m here!  You recognized me?

James:           Of course, I recognized you!  The prettiest girl in the restaurant!  It was easy!

Magdalena:   I have a feeling that we’re going to get along!

James:           I’m sure of it!  Now to important things!  What are you drinking?

Magdalena:   I’ll start with a gin and tonic, and then I’ll continue with gin and tonic!

James:           Well, that’s decisive.  You know your own mind!

Magdalena:   Oh yes, I think you’ll find that I know my own mind!

James:           (Calling the waiter) A gin and tonic and a pint of Guinness, please.

Meanwhile Henry, with his mobile in his hand, is patrolling the street outside Falsetto’s in case he is needed. Ana arrives.

  

Ana:            Henry!  What on earth are you doing here?

Henry:        (Looking guilty) Oh, hello Ana.  What a pleasant surprise!  Small world, isn’t it!

Ana:            What on earth are you doing here?

Henry:        Well I was doing some work at home and…I came out for some air.

Ana:            And?

Henry:        And a beer and a meal and …so on.  What about you?

Ana:            Oh somebody told me about this place and I thought I’d try it out.

Henry:        Ah, right.  Shall we go in together then?

Ana:            In here?  In this restaurant?

Henry:        Yes, in here.  You wanted to try it out, didn’t you?

Ana:            Oh yes.  Right let’s go in.

Ana and Henry enter the restaurant together.  The waiter takes them past the table where James and Magdalena are sitting.  Henry looks apologetically at James as does Ana at Magdalena. They are taken to a table some way from James and Magdalena, but they can still see them.

Ana:            That was James, wasn’t it!

Henry:        I think it might have been.  A distinct resemblance anyway.

Ana:            It was him.  And who is that woman? 

Henry:        The one with the yellow hair?

Ana:            Yes, the one with the yellow hair, and the green miniskirt. They seemed to be having a very good time.

Henry:        I’ve no idea.  Never seen her before in my life.  Probably a colleague from work.  Another engineer.   Probably talking about work, you know.

Ana:            Ah yes. Very likely. (Looking at James and Magdalena)  They seem to be getting on very well.  For work colleagues, I mean.

Henry:        Ah yes.  Apparently there’s a very good atmosphere in the office.

Ana:            (Sees James take Magdalena’s hand). Yes, a very good atmosphere!

James and Magdalena are getting on very well indeed, though from time to time James looks over his shoulder.

Magdalena: Why do you keep looking around? It’s almost as if you are afraid to see someone, or that someone might see you!  Someone you know! How ridiculous!

James:         Well, yes.  It is ridiculous, but before you came I met someone I knew, and I have a feeling that she might appear again.  It’s a sort of premonition! 

Magdalena: Don’t be silly.  If she was here, she’d come and talk to you, just like I’m doing.  But you’re with me so forget all about her!  If you’re so afraid of her, she must be very heavy-going!

James:         No, she’s fine. She really is.  But I just hope she doesn’t turn up again.

Magdalena: She won’t!  Not as long as I’m here!

James:         No, I suppose not.  But just to be sure, why don’t we move on to the White Hart when we finish here?  It’s not far away.  A great place for a drink.