The woman who was jealous of herself 12

Sunday afternoon.  At Magdalena’s parents' house.  

Magdalena is obviously in high spirits. She is dancing round the room singing a song from 'My Fair Lady'.

Magdalena:  (Singing) I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night...
(The door bell rings.)
If I wasn't interrupted!
(She opens the door and James enters.) 

I’m so glad you’ve come, though you are a little late!  I want to show you a photo, just to see what you think of it.  Here.  Look at this.

She hands James her mobile showing a photo of the red Ferrari.

James:         Nice car.  It’s a red Ferrari, this year’s model.  Very good.  But Magdalena, I didn’t come all the way to look at photos of cars!  This afternoon I was going …

Magdalena: You should drive a car like that!  Even if only for one day!  You could take me out in it!  We could go down the coast!  To Clevedon or somewhere like that, you know!  It would be…interesting! 

James:         Well, yes, it’s a possibility.  Perhaps later in the year when the weather’s better.

Magdalena: But you never do things like that, do you!

James:         No, it’s not really my thing!

(Absentmindedly, he scrolls back to the next photo.)

Well, well, well.  Look at the next one.  There’s a man here, in dark glasses, next to the car.  A thin, rather weedy specimen he is.  Not much to look at, is he! 

Magdalena: Oh, that was just some tourist I met.  He must have walked in front of me when I took the photo!  A real nuisance! I told him where to go, I can tell you!

James:         You told him where to go?

Magdalena: Well, I told him what direction to go in.  He was lost, you see.  And yes, you’re right, he does look a rather weedy specimen!  Anyway off he went!

James:         (Scrolling again.)

Yes, off he went into the next photo! In this one you are sitting with the weedy specimen on a bench.  Perhaps he just walked in front of you again and then sat down next to you.

(He looks closer.)

And you are eating a sandwich!  An egg mayonnaise sandwich.

Magdalena: You can’t see that!  Don’t be ridiculous!

James:         Well, it looks like egg, and the best way to keep egg on the bread in a sandwich is to mix it with mayonnaise.  Did you know mayonnaise is a sauce from Mahon in Menorca?  The name is from the town of Mahon! Mahonaise then became mayonnaise.  Interesting, isn’t it? 

Magdalena: Not really!

James:         Anyway, back to what matters.  Who was this man in dark glasses who you told to get lost, and who then appears again…

(Looking closer at the photograph.)

… with his arm around you on a bench by the sea?

Magdalena: I have no idea.  He never told me his name, his real name.  Anyway it is no business of yours, is it!

James:         Of course, it is business of mine.  You can’t be gamboling around the country with any Tom, Dick or ...

Magdalena: Alex

James:         With any Tom, Dick or Alex on a Saturday afternoon!

Magdalena: I can do what I want on my Saturday afternoon!

James:         But I don’t like…  But you’re right.  It is no business of mine.

Magdalena: And have you anything else to say about these photos and the Ferrari and the bench?  Do you want to throw any light on the matter?

James:         No.  Nothing! 

Magdalena: Nothing will come of nothing! Speak again!

James:         I have nothing more to say.

Magdalena: Well, in that case neither have I. Goodbye.

(She leaves.) 

James:  That’s done it!  Where do we go from here?

James starts to leave, but Harold comes in, rather stealthily.

Harold:       Ah James, I’m glad you’re on your own.  I have been waiting for Magdalena to leave.  I don’t quite know how to put it.  It’s rather tricky you see, but Magdalena has met someone.  Must be very well off.  He drives a red Ferrari. He brought her back here the other night! I saw them arrive.  I asked her where she’d been and she said she’d had the most marvellous afternoon of her life!  Sorry about this! Very sorry!  But I thought you should know what you’re up against.  

James:         “The most marvellous afternoon of her life.”   Did she really say that?

Harold:       Yes, and I’m very sorry, but there it is. But look on the bright side!  There are plenty more fish in the sea, you know. 

James:          No, don’t be sorry.  Did she say any more about this Ferrari man?

Harold:       Well, she seemed to be very taken with him.  She said he had finally made a move and had swept her off her feet! I am very sorry, James. 

James:         Swept her off her feet!

Harold:       Well, you know what girls are!

James:         No, I don’t really!

Harold:       Well, you know what Magdalena is like!

James:         No, even less, to be honest.  But I’ll find out!  I am not finished yet, Harold.        Perhaps things are not as bad as they seem.  
James:         No, I don't think they are.  I really don't think they are.  I'll phone her up and we'll meet in the Llandogger Trow and there everything will be unravelled.  I hope.

Sunday evening.  Magdalena phones Ana.


Magdalena:   Come on Ana. Ah good.  Ana, listen. James came this afetrnoon and I showed him the photos of our trip in the Ferrari.
Ana:  And what good did that do? He was Alex then.  Did he confess that he was taking you in?

Magdalena:  That he thought he was taking me in.  No, he didn't so I flew into a temper and walked out.
Ana:  And then what happened?
Magdalena:  Nothing. But right now he'll be regretting that he never told me and any time now the phone will ring and he'll suggest that we meet again.
Ana:  He'll phone you?
Magdalena:  Of course he'll phone me!
Ana:  And then you'll meet and he'll confess he was Alex?
Magdalena: Exactly.
Ana:  And you will then confess that you were April all the time?
Magdalena:  Oh!
Ana:  I repeat. And you will then confess that you were April all the time?
Magdalena:  Of course I will. (The landline rings). Ah, there he is!  Right on time.  Bye Ana.
(She picks up the other phone)  Hello James...

Monday evening.  In the Llandogger Trow.

James is alone at a table in a corner of the lounge bar.  He is nervously sipping a pint of Guinness.  Magdalena comes in with a glass of Thatcher’s cider in her hand.

Magdalena:  Dutch courage?

James:         Yes, in a way it is.  Please sit down.  I have a confession to make. 

Magdalena: Really?  A confession!  And is the sin so very bad that it needs a pint of Guinness?

James:         It may need two or three!

He puts on the sports jacket.

Is it familiar?

He puts on the dark glasses.

More familiar?

Magdalena: And your red Ferrari is parked outside?

James:         Yes, it was me.  I want to apologize.  It was a very silly idea and I am very sorry.

Magdalena:           (Pretending to be surprised.) 

So it was you!  It was you all the time?

James:         I’m afraid it was.  In any relationship there should be no deception and no tricks, no concealment.  I am very sorry!

Magdalena: That’s the meanest trick!  It’s just not fair!  Taking me in like that!  I’d never have thought you capable of it.

James:         You’re right.  It was despicable.  But can we put it behind us and move forward now?

Magdalena: Move forward!  We’re not moving anywhere. That’s it then.  I’m going! Just to think that I was made a complete fool!

James:         Stay and finish your cider!

Magdalena: I couldn’t touch a drop! I’ll never have a drink with you again!

She storms out and slams the door.

James:         That went well! 

(He picks up her cider.)

At least she never threw it at me!  But it was a close thing!

(Then he picks up his Guinness, looks at it, and puts it down untasted.)

Where do we go from here?

(He leaves.)

Later Monday evening. Magdalena phones Ana.

Magdalena:  Ana, I just been even sillier than usual.

Ana:  Oh dear.  This is not a good start.  With James, I suppose?

Magdalena: Yes, of course it was with James. I’m not silly with anyone else.

Ana:  So what happened this time?

Magdalena: We met this evening in the Llandogger Trow.

Ana:  So far so good!

Magdalena: And James confessed that he was Alex, the one with the red Ferrari.

Ana:  So when he confessed he was Alex last Saturday, of course you confessed you had been acting for weeks as April.

Magdalena: No, I couldn’t.  I pretended to be in a temper and I stormed out of the bar and I slammed the door.

Ana:  Marvellous! Absolutely marvellous! The perfect moment to come clean and you get all uppish and storm out of the room.  It was stupid!  Don’t you see that?

Magdalena: I do now, in the cold grey light of day, but I didn’t see it then.  I wanted to make the grand gesture. What do I do now?

Ana: You have to get it off your chest! Make a clean breast of it!

Magdalena: Could we have fewer anatomical references? Look Ana, I risk losing him all together. 

Ana:  You tell him now or never. Imagine you don’t tell him, and you make up. You don’t want to through years of married life with this nagging you.  There will never be a good day for it! You’ll be 80 years old, hunched in front of the fire, and you say, “Oh by the way James, it’s just occurred to me.  There’s something I want to tell you!”

Magdalena: Don’t be ridiculous!

Ana:  And then you’ll have to repeat it three times because by then James will be so deaf that he won’t be able to hear you!

Magdalena: OK, I’ll do it.  I’ll do it next week some time.

Ana:  You’ll do it tomorrow!  And then you phone me.

Magdalena: I have a lot of exam papers to mark tomorrow!

Ana:  You’ll do it tomorrow. Exam papers or not. And if you don’t tell him, I will.  And that will be much worse.

Magdalena: I thought you were my friend.

Ana:  This is the most friendly thing I’ve done for you for a long time.  Tomorrow evening! Goodbye!

Magdalena: Tomorrow then!  And I’ll need more than cider!