The woman who was jealous of herself 9

James and Magdalena, as Alex and April, in the White Hart.

James:         Thank you for coming, April.  I didn't think you would after that hotel thing. Look, I’m in a mess, and I think you are the only person who can help me.  I need advice.

Magdalena: On your investments? Remember shares can plummet as well as rise!  I recommend…

James:         No, no!  Well, yes it is about an investment really, but a very long-term one.  You remember Magdalena? 
Magdalena:  Ah the la di da one wit the books?  the one who keeps on turing up at the wrong moment?  The bean pole?
James:  Yes, that's her.  No, I mean she isn't a bean pole. You see, I'd like to know her better.
Magdlaena:  Really?
James:  The question is ‘What do I do about her?’  You know about these things, April!  Just point me in the right direction!

Magdalena: In the right direction?

James:  Yes, where do I go from here, from where I am?

Magdalena: Well, where are you exactly?

James:         Well, I had a word with her father, and…

Magdalena: (Very surprised) With her father?

James:         Well, he had a word with me really.  He was very kind, he was only trying to help.

Magdalena: And what help did he give?

James:         He said I had to be more ‘bloody, bold and resolute!’

Magdalena: He said that?

James:         Well, not in those exact words!  But he told me I should be more courageous.  He said I should do something.  I should be more ‘proactive’ as the jargon is.

Magdalena: Is it?

James:         Oh, everyone has to be proactive these days. Well, her father didn’t use that word exactly. But he said I should …er… take the bull by the horns.

Magdalena: Really?

James:         Yes, and that I had to grasp the nettle!

Magdalena: Yes, that sounds more like him! 

James:         But you don’t even know him!

Magdalena: No, of course I don’t. What I mean is that sounds like someone of his generation.

James;         So I grasped the nettle, and what a nettle it turned out to be.

Magdalena: So what did you do?

James:         Well, I phoned Magdalena and I suggested a weekend in London, you know, a classy hotel, a musical on the Saturday evening, etc etc

Magdalena: That etc etc sounds ominous! And what did she say?

James:         She hung up! 

Magdalena: Of course she did!  A weekend in London! That doesn’t count.  A weekend in London is just to have some fun!  You could have asked any girl for that! That was exactly what you shouldn’t have done!

James:         So I put my foot I it! That’s it then!  First, she has seen me with you! Then I suggest a weekend in London!  One disaster after another! It’s all over before it started.

Magdalena: Don’t give up!  This isn’t taking the bull by the horns! I can see she still fancies you.  She’s just jealous of me!’

James: There's not a chance of her fancying me!  If ever she agrees to see me again, I will just serve as a bit of comic relief,  a change from more serious things!’

Magdalena: Then drop her.

James:         I can’t do that! I don’t want to do that!  There’s the rub!  So what do I do?

Magdalena: It’s back to basics then. Back to square one. Now let’s see. For a start, you must complement her on her beautiful eyes. 
James:  Her beautiful eyes?
Magdalena:  Yes, every woman has beautiful eyes! Didn't you know that?  Now, what colour are they?

James:         I don’t know!

Magdalena: You don’t know!  This is ridiculous! How can you fall for a woman when you don’t know the colour of her eyes? This is worse than I thought.  Anyway, they are green.
James:  You saw that when she came in that time?
Magdalena: Of course I did. They are green.  Just like mine!
James: (Looking her in the eyes) Why yes.  Yoiur eyes are green too>  Well I never!
Magdalena:  Anyway, back to the matter in hand.  What clothes does she wear?

James:         She has a lovely red dress.  It fits like a glove and the skirt has a swirl as she turns.  It’s a beautiful dress!  She looks like a top model when she wears it. A dream!

Magdalena: Did you tell her that?

James:         Of course I didn’t tell her that!  She’d have laughed at me.

Magdalena: Well, so much for the dress! And her jeans?

James:         Oh, I’ve no idea about her jeans! Men don’t care about jeans, you know. Did you ever hear a man who said, ‘I remember you that night in the restaurant.  You wore some jeans!’  But a dress that has some style, that’s another matter! A man never forgets that! Women should realise this!

Magdalena: Yes, I think they should!  You’re not as simple as you look!

James:         Thank you very much!

Magdalena: No, what I meant was that you have made a very interesting comment that I didn’t expect you to make.  That’s what I meant!

James:         Most women dress for themselves, not for men!  That’s where they go wrong!

Magdalena: And most men dress for themselves, not for women. 

James:         Most men just dress to be comfortable, but you’re probably right. This is not really my subject.

Magdalena: Tell me more about this Magdalena.  I can’t help you if I don’t tell me more!

James:         She just feels right!  It’s not just her voice, or what she says or how she looks, it’s everything. 

Magdalena: (Getting angrier and angrier) What on earth is the problem then?  Why don’t you just ask her out, for heaven’s sake?  You still haven’t invited Magdalena out for a really special evening!

          James:         How do you know?

         Magdalena: What I mean is that it seems to me that you haven’t asked her out       yet.

 James:         She’d just put me down with some clever comment or other! You see, I just feel so stupid when she’s nearby.  I’m longing to say something clever and something funny and I am tongue-tied.  In fact, I am not just tongue-tied, I’m brain-tied too! Sometimes I feel that she is just playing with me, just to amuse herself.  But then, I’m sure she wouldn’t do that!

Magdalena: (Quickly) No, no.  I don’t think she’d do that!

James:         No, of course not.  She’s too kind to do that. I don’t know why I mentioned it!  But what do I do, April?  What do I do?

Magdalena: You must find her weak point. You’re tall, well-built, and fairly good-looking.  You’re OK.  Just look her in the eyes!  Whatever colour they are! Stand up to her! Find out what she likes.  Find her weakness.  Pretend to be very rich. Some women fall for that! For some women it’s a man who can dance! Some women fall for a uniform. Think of poor Bathsheba! For some it’s a house in the country. Just find out what attracts her!

James:         Who’s Bathsheba? 

Magdalena: Oh, in ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’ Bathsheba Everdene married a worthless soldier.  She was taken in by the uniform!

James:         You've read ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’?  I wouldn’t have …

Magdalena: No, no.  I …er… saw the film recently. 

James:         Oh, I didn’t know it was on here. Which cinema was that?

Magdalena: No, I saw it online.  Anyway I have to go now, Alex.  And I don’t think we should meet again.  Given the way things have turned out.

James:         Ah, right.  Yes, of course.  Absolutely.  I’m very grateful, April.

Magdalena: Good luck with the bean pole. Find her weak point!  And just tell her that she looks good in that red dress!

James:         And the jeans?

Magdalena: Perhaps it's better not to mention the jeans!

James:         Thank you, April.  (Gives her a hug)

Magdalena: It’s as well your Magdalena never saw that!

James:         Yes, perhaps it is!  So what are you going to do now?

Magdalena: I’m going away.  I am not needed here anymore.  It’s the right time for me to do some traveling!  I may go to the north of Spain!  You never know!

James:         Well, enjoy it!  You deserve it!  You are a good person, April!  Honest and open!  No tricks!  No deceit!  You are exactly what you seem to be! That’s what I like about you! Goodbye!

He leaves.

Magdalena: Yes, it is certainly time for April to disappear!  For good!