The woman who was jealous of herself 12 Three phone calls and two meetings.

Three phone calls and two meetings

Tuesday evening.  Falsetto’s restaurant.

James:  I like your earrings!

Magdalena:  Well, I don’t. They’re not my style.  A little cheap, don’t you think?  A little garish?  The sort of things the floor mop would wear on a night out.

James:  Yes, they are actually.   Not garish, I mean, but they are the sort of thing she would wear.

(Magdalena stands up, calmly removes her long black skirt to show a green miniskirt.)

What are you doing?  Don’t, please don’t!  Not here!

(Magdalena takes off her coat to show the scarlet T-shirt.)

James:  What on earth are you doing?

(Then Magdalena sits down again, calmly opens her hand bag and takes out the yellow wig and looks at it.)

Magdalena:  Here it is! Ugh, how ghastly! Anyway, it’s all in a good cause.

(She puts on the wig and looks at James.) 

There.  Finished! Well, there’s no need for me to put on the purple trainers, is there!

James:  (A long pause) Oh no. Oh no. It’s you, isn’t it!  You are her, aren’t you!  And you have been all the time. (He bangs his head on the table.)

Magdalena: What are you doing?  Don’t, please don’t!  Not here!  Yes all the time.  But we had some good evenings, didn’t we!

James:         You were her every evening, in the Llandogger Trow,  in the White Hart, everywhere.

Magdalena:   Yes, everywhere.  It was quite tiring, but there we are.

James:         You have been making a fool of me, Magdalena. And to think I went to you for advice on how to approach… you. 

Magdalena: I am very, very sorry.  I should never have let it go on so long.

James:         And yesterday I admitted to you that I was Alex in the Ferrari. I made the big confession!And you...

Magdalena: And I said nothing about April.  Instead I acted a stupid little scene and walked out.  I am very sorry.

James:         You knew that it was me, in the Ferrari, didn’t you!

Magdalena: Yes.  The moment I saw you.  Before I got in the car. When I was in the rain with all my books.

James:         And I thought I was so clever! And I was a complete fool.

Magdalena: Why do you men never look at the eyes?  You are much too busy looking at other things!  I’m sorry I said that!  I’m sorry about everything.  I’m sorry for being April.

James:         You did it very well.  Very well indeed!  (He pauses and comes to a decision.) Let’s wind this up, Magdalena.   I am not the right person for you.  I am far too slow. Not bright enough at all! Good luck!  I hope you do well.

(He leaves.)

Magdalena: (She takes off the yellow wig and throws it on the floor.) And he never slammed the door.  I wish he had.  Here I am, then, on my own. With my own pleasant self for company!  Well, there we are.  Exactly what I deserve. Oh how I hate this place!

(She leaves.)

Magdalena phones Ana

Magdalena: Come on.  Answer Ana.  Ah, good. Hi.

Ana:            Hi. Good news? (She waits for an answer.) Bad news?

Magdalena: Very bad.  I told him.

Ana:            And he shouted at you, ran out and slammed the door?

Magdalena: He got up very quietly, and he left.

Ana:            Oh dear!  That is bad.

Magdalena: He even wished me well.

Ana:            Then there is hope yet.

Magdalena: There is no hope at all.   I am going back to the White Hart, Ana, and I will drink gin and tonics till I come to my senses! 

Ana:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Magdalena: I am tired of good ideas.  Look where good ideas have got me.  Bye!

Ana:  Now look.  Just come over here.  We’ll have a nice cup of tea and...She’s not there.  She’s gone!  Now, Ana, don’t panic.  What do I do now? Phone Henry!  That’s it, phone Henry!

(She phones him.)

Henry, thank goodness you answered. This is important.  Listen. Magdalena is in the White Hart, and she’s very down, and she’s probably on her third gin and tonic by now, and you must get James to go there and talk to her.

Henry:        James?

Ana:            Yes, James!  Your friend, James! Who else?  You are very slow sometimes!  Tell him to go now.  Right now!  Just tell him that Magdalena needs him.  And don’t tell him I phoned you.  He’ll think it’s another trick, and he’s had enough of those!  Just make sure he goes.

Henry:        OK.  Don’t worry. Rely on me!

Ana:            And do it quickly!

Henry:  Right, I’ll phone him right now and I’ll…Oh, she’s gone.  Here we go then. 

(He phones James)

James, hi.  Ah, now I’ve just seen Magdalena.  Er…your Magdalena. You see I’ve been practising my Sherlock Holmes/Philip Marlowe role.  You know, just honing my skills.  Anyway, I have seen Magdalena walking across Queens Square. She didn’t look happy, James.  And I saw her go into the White Hart.

James:         I’ll go there now.

Henry:        Well, that’s just what I was going to suggest, James.  You see, she’s …Oh he’s gone.  Talking to myself! This is an evening of very short phone calls.  Brief and to the point.  Let’s hope it all turns out well.  Now, I’d better report back to Ana.

The White Hart. 

Magdalena is sitting on her own at the round table in the corner where, as April, she used to meet James. James comes in, wet from the rain, and sees she is drinking gin and tonic.  He orders one at the bar and walks over to her.

Magdalena: Go away!

James:         Thank you!

(He sits down and pushes the glass over to her.)

Magdalena: Thank you.

James:         I am sorry I walked out.

Magdalena: You did right to walk out.  You should have slammed the door as well!  I deserved it!

James:         I nearly did, but as I was going out a waiter was coming in with three plates of spaghetti!  So I refrained!   (He points at the glass he has brought.)  This is what you’re drinking isn’t it? 

Magdalena: Yes, I will drink gin and tonics till the day I die, as a penance.  It will remind me of April.

James:         Ah yes.  April.  April Showers! But you did it very well!  Being April, I mean.  Very well! Brighter men than me would have been taken in!

(Magdalena drinks and says nothing.)

And April was kindness itself.  She helped me a lot!  She told me not to give up!  That was good of her. 

Magdalena: Was it? She was still a deceit!

James:         A very pretty deceit!

(James takes the glass from her hand and puts it on the table.)

James:         “Were you the doctor, and I knew you not?”

Magdalena: “I was April, and you knew me not!” So you know the Merchant of Venice?

James:         It was my first Shakespeare at school.  You always remember your first Shakespeare. 

Magdalena: Yes, you do.  It’s like your first date.  You never forget it!  It’s a rite of passage!

James:         "In such a night as this,
When the sweet wind did gently kiss the trees,
And they did make no noise, in such a night,
Troilus methinks mounted the Trojan walls,
And sigh'd his soul toward the Grecian tents,
Where Cressid lay that night."

(Magdalena looks surprised.)

I was Lorenzo in the school play! 

Magdalena: " In such a night
Stood Dido with a willow in her hand
Upon the wild sea-banks, and waft her love
To come again to Carthage".

James: (He takes Magdalena's hand.)          "Come,

I will have thee, but, by this light, I take thee for pity."

Magdalena:           (looking perplexed)  But that’s not from the Merchant of Venice!

James:         No, but right now it’s more to the point.  So, we give it a go?

Magdalena:           ‘So, we give it a go?’ ‘We give it a go!’ That’s not very romantic!

James:         No, but it’s practical.  And that is what is needed now! The practical breeds the romantic, just as cow dung breeds the finest rose. That's  bound to be in Shakespeare somewhere.  Shakespeare said everything that is worth saying.

Magdalena:           Cow dung! That’s even less romantic! But OK, we give it a go!

James:         That’s that then.  That’s sorted.  Nothing more in life to worry about! The done, the die is cast, we have crossed the Rubicon of love and a relaxing life lies ahead!

Magdalena:           Relaxing!  I doubt it!  Things are just beginning.

James:         But the first hurdle is over, Magdalena.  The foundations are built.  And I know something about foundations, remember!

Magdalena: I remember making a joke about foundations, a few weeks ago, when we first met.  I am very sorry.

James:         No more sorrys!  We give it a go!

Magdalena: Thank you.  So what do we do now?

James:         I think we should announce it to the world at large, a big get-together.

Magdalena: Not too big!  Come to dinner tomorrow evening!  With my parents! And Ana!  And Henry!  Let’s make everything clear.

James:         I doubt if we can ever manage that.  I hardly understand it all myself! But, OK!  Dinner tomorrow evening!

(He raises the glass he brought for her.)

To us!

(They drink.)

James:         Ugh, that’s horrible. How can you drink that?

Magdalena: It’s not my drink.  It’s April’s! 

James:         But April’s gone!

Magdalena: Yes, she has!  She actually has!  The wig and everything else went out with the rubbish first thing this morning.  

James:         A pity!  She was quite attractive, you know!

Magdalena: Shhh! (She places her finger on his lips!)  Or I shall get jealous!

James:         I’ll never mention her again!  But I may think of her from time to time!

Magdalena: Tomorrow then!

James:         Tomorrow then!  At your parents!  Oh, and leave that.  (He pushes away her glass) I think you’ve had enough penance for one evening.

Magdalena:           So do I.  But that one was to celebrate!

James:         In that case. (He pushes the glass back to her.)  Cheers!  (They drink again.) Let’s go.

Magdalena:           Yes, there are too many people in here.  But it’s a nice place.  I like it.  Let’s walk in Queens Square.

James:         But it’s raining!

Magdalena: Then let’s get wet! Come on!