Johnson of London 18 Dinner at the Thrales. Part 2.

HESTER THRALE It seems that you would have all men equal, Sir.

JOHNSON I would not. That is impossible and intolerable.

HESTER THRALE But perhaps we should do everything to make it possible, Sir. We should try.

JOHNSON You see that man over there? (He points at the servant standing in the background.)

HESTER THRALE Yes, of course.

JOHNSON Well, ask him to sit down and have dinner with us. He can have Sir Joshua’s chair. There is no shortage of chairs.

 HESTER THRALE Well, Sir.

JOHNSON Now, come on!

HESTER THRALE No, Sir.

JOHNSON If we believe in something, we should do it and not talk about it. Well, let’s have no more of this talk. It is foolish.

 BOSWELL (Whispering to Hester Thrale) There’s no point in arguing with Johnson. As Goldsmith once said, ‘If his pistol misses fire, he turns it round and knocks you down with the butt end of it!’ You, Madam, have just been knocked down with the butt end.

 JOHNSON (To Boswell) What are you mumbling abut, Sir?

BOSWELL (To Hester Thrale). Now just watch me! But, Sir, there are many people who would reshape society. They would have all people on the same level. The levellers, as we call them. That is a noble idea, is it not?

JOHNSON Your levellers are all very well but they have only one thing in mind. They want to level everyone down to themselves. This is very convenient. They are not so keen on levelling people up to themselves. I love a man who helps his neighbour but God protect us all from theoretical radicals.

BOSWELL (Aloud, to Hester Thrale.) Oh dear. The pistol fired first time then. There was no need for the butt end!

JOHNSON Only the poor can really feel for the poor.

HESTER THRALE But surely, Sir you must admit that people can use their money to do some good.

JOHNSON But what is their motive, Madam? They are thinking of their own souls. If you feed a hungry man because it is a good deed to feed a hungry man, then you are thinking of your own salvation and not the man’s stomach. If you feed him to give him the pleasant feeling of being full for once in his life, then you are getting somewhere. ‘As cold as charity!’ That’s a wonderful expression, you know.

BOSWELL So we should give less?

 JOHNSON Give more or give less, you should clear your minds of cant and hypocrisy, yes, and you should clear your souls too. You, my dear lady, and you, Bozzy, have never been without money. For you money is always to hand. Imagine you are without a room in this great city. As it begins to get dark, you look at all the people in the shops and you know that they have a house to go to. You wander down a cold street at three in the morning, walking quickly to keep warm, looking up at the curtains of the sleepers snug in their beds. You steal half a loaf of bread and are condemned to hang by a judge who has his dinner waiting. A generous man (He looks at Henry Thrale) throws you a sovereign which you use to get drunk. For this you offend the scruples of those who have money to both buy bread and to get drunk. Let’s have no more of this talk! If you please, Sir, (To Henry Thrale) carve the pork!

(Sir Joshua Reynolds comes hurrying in.)

REYNOLDS I am late. No excuses, none at all. I think real friends can arrive late without excuses.

JOHNSON You are in time, Sir, for the meat, and here is Boswell ready to write down everything you say, so don’t waste your breath in inconsequential trivia. We must not try the patience of posterity.

HESTER THRALE You are very welcome, Sir Joshua. (The servant brings back a chair, and they spread out again to give space. Then Edmund Burke arrives.)

HENRY THRALE Why, here’s Burke. Come in, Sir. Come in!

HESTER THRALE (To Burke) And the debate in the House? Can they manage without you?

BURKE They will have to manage without me, Madam. I said my little piece and I left them to it. (A chair is brought for Burke and the others rearrange themselves.) Sir Joshua, my carriage has been chasing yours all the way from Westminster. Why did you not stop? I called out when you sallied by.

REYNOLDS My good fellow, I have difficulty in hearing even Johnson when he is thundering at my elbow. How could I hear you shouting in a street in Westminster? Besides, everyone shouts in Westminster. Westminster is the ideal place to be deaf in.

JOHNSON Well, Sir Joshua, as for… (Goldsmith arrives.)

GOLDSMITH (To Mrs Thrale) Madam, a thousand apologies. I am not early.

JOHNSON Goldy, you are late. Now sit down and stop fussing! (A chair is brought for Goldsmith, and they all rearrange themselves again. They have no sooner sat down than Langton and Beauclerk arrive. Beauclerk has obviously been drinking.)

BEAUCLERK (Loudly, as he enters, helped by Langton.) Hello everybody! Hello!

HENRY THRALE And here is Beauclerk. Shepherded in by Langton.

LANGTON (Apologetically) We had a little drink on the way.

JOHNSON So it appears. Chairs, chairs, more chairs! Now we are a company!

BEAUCLERK What a sight! Roast pork! I love roast pork!

BURKE This is not yet an Alexandrian feast!

LANGTON It ripens towards it.

BOSWELL What’s that? What’s that?

JOHNSON It’s Shakespeare, Bozzy! It’s Shakespeare! I’ll explain it to you later. Don’t worry yourself about it! (They are still standing as they talk.)

BEAUCLERK We are very late. (To Hester Thrale) Excuse us, please, Madam, but Langton here was throbbed of his hearse by a peef. No, no, Madam. One moment. Langton’s thurse was probbed by a reef. No, wait…his purse was…

BOSWELL What he means, Mrs Thrale, is…

JOHNSON (Impatiently) Will you all sit down!

HESTER THRALE Yes, Sir.

BOSWELL, BEAUCLERK and LANGTON Yes, Sir.

JOHNSON Sir Joshua, as I was saying…

REYNOLDS (Not hearing at all) Pardon?

JOHNSON As I was saying…

REYNOLDS You were praying, Sir?

JOHNSON By heaven, we were better off before they all arrived!

REYNOLDS I am sorry, Dr Johnson, but my mind was elsewhere. I was telling Burke about my nephew in Devon. He is about to join the navy.

BURKE A fine career. The future of this country depends on its navy. If our navy is strong, we will be strong.

GOLDSMITH Everyone loves a sailor. It’s a grand life. I remember when…

 JOHNSON It’s a terrible life, Sir. Being in a ship is being in a jail.

GOLDSMITH (To Boswell) The pistol again!

JOHNSON With the chance of being drowned!

BOSWELL (To Goldsmith) Both barrels!

HENRY THRALE (To Johnson) A drink now, Sir.

BEAUCLERK Yes, please.

JOHNSON I will take…lemonade. But my lady and you gentlemen need something stronger. Claret is the liquor for boys.

BOSWELL Port for men.

JOHNSON But he who aspires to be a hero…

ALL Must drink brandy!

LANGTON After dinner we shall all be heroes, Sir.

GOLDSMITH I believe that…

JOHNSON All men are heroes after dinner. It is amazing how a full stomach changes one’s attitude to life.

HENRY THRALE If you all stay until Sunday, and you are very welcome to do so, you can hear the sermon that everybody is talking about. It will be given by a woman, a Methodist, and she is very good from what I hear.

 REYNOLDS What was that?

BOSWELL On Sunday there is a sermon by a female Methodist preacher.

REYNOLDS That’s what I thought he said, but then I thought I had misheard. Well, well.

BURKE I see nothing to surprise you. If she speaks sense and speaks well, she should be heard.

BEAUCLERK And if she’s pretty, I’ll go along too.

JOHNSON Sir, a woman’s preaching is like a dog walking on his hind legs. It is not done well but you are surprised to find it done at all.

HESTER THRALE Mr Johnson, this is not fair. You yourself heard her last week, and you said she spoke well.

JOHNSON You are right, Madam, as always. I am a cantankerous old man. It takes me time to get used to new things. I admit it. Yes, I heard her. She has a bottom of good sense. (There is a general but restrained titter at this. Boswell is the only one who dares say anything.)

BOSWELL A bottom of good sense! (More laughter. Johnson silences it with a furious look.)

JOHNSON When I said she had a bottom of good sense, I meant that she was… fundamentally sensible.

 HENRY THRALE Well now, that’s enough of that. Beauclerk, I hear you are off on your travels soon?

BEAUCLERK Yes, I am away to Ireland next week. You’re Irish, Burke. Tell me. What sights she I see?

BURKE You must go to the Devil’s Causeway. It is a staircase of enormous blocks of stone. Remarkable.

GOLDSMITH Yes and…

JOHNSON Yes, the Devil’s Causeway is worth seeing.

GOLDSMITH There you are…
(He looks at Johnson for a moment to make sure he is not going to be interrupted once more.) …then. There you have it.
(To Beauclerk) Tell them when you get there that you have Dr Johnson’s approbation. He says that the Devil’s Causeway is a sight worth going to see.

JOHNSON Goldy, I said nothing of the sort.

GOLDSMITH With great respect, Sir, I believe you did.

JOHNSON I said the Devil’s Causeway is worth seeing. I did not say it was worth going to see. With great respect, there is a difference.

GOLDSMITH The butt end! I rest my case.

JOHNSON A toast! Bozzy, will you put down your notebook for a moment and pick up a glass! Your long-suffering readers must allow us a moment to ourselves. Madam, Sir, Gentlemen. To friendship! It is the one thing on earth that suggests heaven to come. (He raises his glass.) To my friends! (They all raise their glasses.)

ALL To our friends.

GOLDSMITH I feel half a hero already.

BOSWELL (Leaving the table and approaching the audience.) Well, that supper didn’t finish till three in the morning, and … (He sees Johnson coming.) Excuse me. (Boswell goes off.)

JOHNSON (Muttering to himself.) They mostly see me as I try to be seen, Dictionary Johnson, Shakespeare Johnson and all that. I perform reasonably well but inside there is only doubt. Bozzy sees it a little, and so does she, Hester Thrale, I mean. They see through me. Everyone does a little, I suppose, they see through the chinks in the woodwork. I’ll never know how much. Well, we all have our doubts and our misgivings….or do we? Is everyone as confused as me? Does anyone really live as blithe and serene as they appear? If so, they are lucky. Some do, I’m sure. Beauclerk does. They are happy by accident. They haven’t worked at it. They haven’t toiled for a moment’s peace. But on we go. The cheerful front! The face! Be a bear, contradict everyone, be a little odd, but don’t be gloomy and don’t be tedious. No, at least I shall never bore people! To bore people is the worst sin of all.

(He goes.)

(Boswell comes quietly back.)

BOSWELL Well, as I was saying, that little do didn’t finish until three o’clock in the morning. None of us got back to London last night. We all slept at Streatham place, and we were all round the table again at breakfast. Yes, the Thrales are good to Johnson, and he knows it. He appreciates his friends. We all should.
(As he goes off.)
‘A man should keep his friendship in constant repair.’ Samuel Johnson. 1771.