The woman who was jealous of herself 4

Thursday evening.  James’ flat

Henry is sitting on a long white leather sofa.  James hands him a beer.

Henry:         What’s this? 

James:         It’s San Miguel.  Go on! It won’t hurt you!  You may even like it!  Anyway.  I have news!

Henry:         (bored) Good or bad?

James:         Good, I think.  Yes.  Very good, in fact.  My love life, which has been, admittedly, a little erratic at times, has taken a turn for the better.  I have met a fantastic woman!

Henry:         A fantastic woman?  That sounds ominous!  And what’s her name?  This fantastic woman.

James:         It’s April. 

Henry:         It’s what?

James:         April!  It’s April, just like the month! You’ve heard of April, haven’t you? 

Henry:         Yes, and I’ve heard of December too.  Thank goodness she isn’t called December.  Just imagine, ‘I’d like you to meet December, December Smith, my intended!’ You say you;ve met her?  
James:        (Proudly) Oh yes.  (Hesitantly)Well, I have met her online
Henry:       You have what?  Online!  Look, James, this sort of thing, this dating on line, is so dangerous.  You go on chatting night after night, all very easy, all very cosy, a lovely relationship, but it’s false!  It’s the house that is built on sand, James!  Steer well clear of it.

James:         But we are not going to go on and on chatting.

Henry:         What do you mean?

James:         We’re going to meet up.  Tomorrow!        

Henry:         Really James.  Now you’re rushing things!  Anyway, she probably won’t turn up.  You’ll be left sitting like an idiot on your own at the table! She’s probably some elderly lady who just wants company. 

James:         She can’t be!  She has sent me her photo. She is not elderly! She’s young and she has blonde hair.  She looks fantastic. 

H:      Fantastic.  Yes, that’s what you said before.   She’ll be well into middle age, whatever that means today, and when you see her she’ll say she uploaded a photo of her daughter by mistake.

J:       Then I’ll say I want to meet her daughter! 

H:      You obviously don’t know the reaction of a woman on a date when you say you want to meet her daughter! Well, you go, but on our own head be it! Where are you meeting her?

James:         Oh one of those new places on Welsh Back down by the waterfront.   Soprano’s, it’s called.

Henry:         Falsetto’s, you mean. 

James:         That’s it!  I knew it was something to do with singing.

Henry:         Well, I’ll have my mobile with me.  If things turn difficult, give me a call.  I don’t like it one bit!

James:         You’re just jealous! It’ll be a turning point in my life.  Just you wait and see.

  

Friday evening.  In Falsetto’s. 

Magdalena goes in, dressed normally,  and sees James already sitting at a table.  James then  sees her and buries his head in the menu. He is sitting there, with his head on the table and the menu hiding it, as Magdalena comes up.

Magdalena: James! What a pleasant surprise! I never thought I’d be meeting you tonight!

James:         Ah.  Hello Magdalena.  How are you?

Magdalena: Oh I feel good tonight!  I am ready for anything! Are you eating alone?

James:         Er no.  I’m waiting for someone, you see.  They’ll be along soon, I expect.

Magdalena: They?  Are there two of them?

James:         Er no.  I meant ‘she’.  She’ll be along soon. I expect.

Magdalena: I see.  Well, I’m sure she won’t come while I’m here.  So I’ll go then.

James:         (He stands and shuffles his feet self-consciously).  Yes.  Right.  Very nice to have met you.

Magdalena: Yes, it was!  Well, I’ll see you sometime.  Sometime soon!  Goodbye!

Magdalena goes to the restaurant toilet, and, Mrs Doubtfire style, does a rapid change and soon emerges as April with wavy blonde hair, tight, scarlet T-shirt, green mini-skirt, long blue socks and purple trainers.

James:         Well, I hate to admit it, it looks as though Henry was right. She’s not coming.  I’d better go.  You can’t win them all.

Magdalena enters as April and, seeing her, James prepares to be Alex.  He stands and welcomes her.

Magdalena:    Alex?

James:           That’s me!  Great to see you!  I was getting a bit worried!

Magdalena:    I had trouble parking, but now I’m here!  You recognized me?
James:           Of course I recognized you!  The prettiest girl in the restaurant!  It was easy!

Magdalena:   I have a feeling that we’re going to get along!

James:           I’m sure of it!  Now to important things!  What are you drinking?

Magdalena:   I’ll start with a gin and tonic, and then I’ll continue with gin and tonic!

James:           Well, that’s decisive.  You know your own mind!

Magdalena:   Oh yes, I think you’ll find that I know my own mind!

James:           (Calling the waiter) A gin and tonic and a pint of Guinness, please.