Three Hours from Spain 8

Later, outside Shakespeare’s Globe 

Carmen, Ana, Calum and Harry.

CARMEN:  Well, “Much Ado About Nothing” was great!  Fantastic!  And we saw it in the same theatre that Shakespeare acted in.

CALUM:    Well, almost the same.  This one was only built a few years ago.

ANA:           But it looks exactly like the original.

CALUM:    Yes, it does!  It’s a great experience. It’s a pity Maria didn’t come.  She would have liked it.

CARMEN:  I’m not so sure she would!  In fact, I’m fed up with Maria.  She complains about everything.

HARRY:     Well, she did lose all her clothes.

ANA:           That’s no excuse!  Anyway she’s got them back now.  Her suitcase arrived yesterday. 

CARMEN:  We should do something about her!

ANA:          I think she’s past changing!

CARMEN:  Wait a moment.  How about this?  You remember the play.  You know how Benedict and Beatrice were always making jokes about each other.  You know how they were always arguing. 

CALUM:    Yes, they waged ‘a merry war’ with each other.

CARMEN:  Yes, that’s right!  Then their friends played a trick on them.  First they made Benedict think that Beatrice was in love with him, and then they made Beatrice think that Benedict was in love with her. 

CALUM:    And the result was that they fell in love!

CARMEN:  So, we’ll do the same with Maria and Olly!

ANA:           It’ll never work!

CALUM:    Never!

HARRY:     Not in a month of Sundays!

CARMEN:  Of course, it will.  If you think someone loves you, you are half way to loving them.  It’s the first step!  Never fails!   Calum, you and Harry will have to help. Now, this is what we’ll do.

Talking together, hatching cunning plans, they left the Globe Theatre and walked along the river towards Waterloo Bridge.

The trick on her

Saturday morning        Day 7

Carmen, Ana and Maria. 

It is Saturday morning.  Carmen and Ana are in a supermarket near their hotel on a final shopping trip for shortbread, ginger biscuits and fruit cake to take back to Madrid.  They see Maria in the next aisle behind the packets of cereals.   

CARMEN:  (Quietly, to Ana) Maria’s just behind those cornflakes!  (Loudly) You’ve heard about Olly, haven’t you?

ANA:           No, what’s the latest?

CARMEN:  Well, it’s a secret really.  Promise not to tell anyone else?

ANA:           Yes.

CARMEN:  Promise?

ANA:           Yes, of course.  Go on!

MARIA:     (To herself) Yes, go on!

CARMEN:  Well, it seems that he’s crazy about Maria!

ANA:           What does “crazy about Maria” mean?

MARIA:     (To herself) Yes, what does “crazy about Maria” mean?

CARMEN:  He’s in love with her!  Poor man! He said she was so beautiful!

MARIA:     Ah!

ANA:           But she’s not really very beautiful, is she!

MARIA:     Oh!

CARMEN:  Then he said she was so vivacious.

MARIA:     Ah!

ANA:          But she’s really not very vivacious, is she!

MARIA:     Oh!

ANA:           Poor Olly!  You know what Maria’s like.  She’ll just laugh at him!

CARMEN:  She’s so proud!  She’ll just laugh in his face!  She’ll say, “I’m going back to Madrid!  When is the next plane to Barajas? You English are so strange!”  The best thing is to tell Olly to forget all about her.

 ANA:         Yes, Maria’s so insensitive.  For his own good, we’ll tell Olly to think of someone else. Maria doesn’t like England.  She doesn’t like London, and she certainly doesn’t like Olly.

CARMEN:  Poor Olly!  He’s so unlucky!  Of all the women in London, he has fallen in love with Maria, and she’s one of the few women in this city that would never be interested in him!  (To Ana)  I think that’s done the trick!  I think she’s got the message! (Carmen and Ana go out of the supermarket, laughing.)

MARIA:     (She removes a packet of cornflakes and sees Carmen and Ana leaving.) Poor Olly?  Unlucky?  He is in love with me?  That’s not unlucky.   Me proud?  Laugh in his face?  Insensitive, me?     I must find Olly.  I wish I’d taken his mobile number!  Why didn’t I take his mobile number?  I can’t ask Carmen or Ana for it.  They’d just laugh at me!  Where is he now?  What is he doing?  Why didn’t I take his number?

(She quickly puts the cornflakes packet back on the shelf without really looking at what she’s doing and brings down the whole stack of cornflake packets.  A man runs up to replace them.)

I’m so sorry.  I really am.  I wasn’t concentrating!  (She turns and walks into a pile of sardine tins which also come crashing to the ground.)

I’m really very sorry!

Saturday lunchtime      The trick on him

CALUM, HARRY and OLIVER.

Calum and Harry have arranged to meet Oliver for lunch in a pub near the river.  As they enter the pub, they see Oliver sitting on his own with a pint of Guinness on one side of a large bookcase, and they quietly sit down at a table on the other side.   

CALUM:    (Quietly, to Harry) Olly’s just behind this bookcase!  (Loudly) Harry, you’ve heard about Maria, haven’t you?

HARRY:     No, what’s the latest?

CALUM:    Well, it’s a secret really.  Promise not to tell anyone else?

HARRY:     Yes.

CALUM:    Promise?

HARRY:     Yes, of course.  Go on!

OLIVER:    (To himself) Yes, go on!

CALUM:    Well, it seems that she’s crazy about Olly!  The poor girl is in love with him! She said he was so handsome!

OLIVER:    Ah!

HARRY:     But he’s really not very handsome, is he!

OLIVER:    Oh!

CALUM:    She said he was so intelligent!

OLIVER:    Ah!

HARRY:     But he’s really not very intelligent, is he!

OLIVER:    Oh!

HARRY:     Poor Maria!  You know what Olly’s like.  He’ll just laugh at her!

CALUM:    He’s so proud!  The best thing is to tell Maria to forget all about him.

HARRY:     Olly’s very insensitive in these matters.  Yes, for her own good we’ll tell Maria to think of someone else.  Olly doesn’t like Spain.  He doesn’t like Madrid, and he certainly doesn’t like Maria.

CALUM:    Poor Maria!  She’s so unlucky!  Of all the men in London, she has to fall in love with Olly!  Head over heels in love!  She can’t sleep!  She babbles his name at night!  From what Carmen and Ana say, she has all the symptoms!   (To Harry)  I think that’s done the trick!  He’s staring into his glass of Guinness as though he’d been struck by lightning! I think he’s got the message! (Harry and Calum go out of the pub, laughing.)

OLIVER:    Poor Maria?  Unlucky because she loves me?  That’s not unlucky!   Proud? Me?  Laugh in her face?  It’s a beautiful face!  I must see her.   Insensitive?  Me?  Pretentious? Moi?  No, that’s something else! I wish I’d taken her mobile number!  Why didn’t I take her mobile number?  I daren’t ask Calum or Harry, because they’d laugh their heads off.  I’d never hear the end of it!  She’s very attractive, that’s true.   No, be rational! Rational!  Right, in these troubled times we must think of European unity.  Yes, we must think of Europe! A British –Spanish connection is a good example for the rest of mankind!  We could even sort out Gibraltar!  No, perhaps not we couldn’t sort out Gibraltar!  And there’s another thing, “The world must be peopled!” as someone or other once said.  Now why didn’t I take her mobile number?